I've Never
by Jaelle
Summary: A very silly fic involving the Gundam Wing pilots and the five girls gathering at Duo's place for a drinking game. Read and be appalled as all sorts of secrets come to light... Rated for mention of sexual acts.


I've Never  
A Gundam Wing Silly fic  
by Jaelle and Orla  
(PG-13 rating)  
  
***  
  
This story was inspired by the drinking game "I've Never" in which participants state something they've never done: "I've never watched Gundam Wing for eight hours solid", and anyone who HAS done this, has to drink (a mouthful, it is not necessary to empty the glass :-).  
  
By the way, if anyone were ever to use that statement in a game of I've Never, both of us would have to drink. :-)  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and characters are owned by Sunrise and not me - damnit!  
  
***  
  
"Hi, Sally!" Hilde beamed as she opened the door. "I'm glad you and Wufei could make it!"  
  
Sally grinned. "Well, it's been pretty quiet lately so I thought we could use an evening of relaxation."  
  
"_You_ thought that!" grumbled Wufei beside her. "_I_ on the other hand think that this is a _stupid_ idea and..."  
  
"Oh, don't be such a sore loser!" said Sally as they stepped inside. "You lost, I won, we're here."  
  
Wufei scowled. "I know you rigged the cards!"  
  
Sally blinked. "How do you rig the cards in a game of Snap?!"  
  
Hilde giggled and led them through to the living room. "You guys are the lucky last, everyone else turned up more or less on time."  
  
"Sorry," said Sally. "But it wasn't MY fault. You know all that garbage about women never running to time? Well, whoever came up with that has never had to wait for Wufei to do his hair!"  
  
"I know," sighed Hilde. "Duo... just takes HOURS! And that's when _I_ help!" And on that note, she opened the living room door.  
  
"Wufei! Sally!" Quatre Raberba Winner stood up in excitement. "Welcome! It's so good to see you again!"  
  
"Hey guys! What's up?" Duo Maxwell waved from the couch where he was sitting beside Heero Yuy, who contented himself with a glare in their direction, and Relena Darlian, who smiled and bowed her head.  
  
Catherine Bloom and Trowa Barton were sitting on the window seat, heads bowed over a small computer, minds frantically working to accomplish a single goal, their mission desperate.  
  
"Thunder shock!" Catherine squealed. "Thunder shock NOW!!!"  
  
"Sorry about that," said Hilde apologetically. "Ever since Pokemon: Teal came out noone's been able to get them to stop."  
  
"Gotta catch em all," said Trowa. "Must catch them all... Must... Ninmu ryokai..."  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow.   
  
At that moment Dorothy Catalonia came in from the kitchen, carrying a plate. "Hordeuvres, anyone?" she asked.   
  
"What does she think this is?" muttered Hilde. "A restaurant?"  
  
Sally looked at Hilde, "I'm surprised you invited her. I thought you didn't get along."  
  
"We don't," said Hilde. "And she invited herself along with Relena."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Duo stood up. "Hey everyone, gather round, gather round... Catherine, Trowa... PLEASE put that down... Now, you're probably all wondering why we invited you all over. Well, tonight is the anniversary of when Hilde and I first met, and we decided to do something fun."  
  
"Oh God," said Wufei. "I KNEW this was a bad idea."  
  
"Oh shut up."  
  
"We thought we'd invite all our friends... more or less... around to play a game."  
  
"A game????" asked Heero.  
  
"I want Pikachu!" demanded Catherine.  
  
"NOT Pokemon," said Duo. "A drinking game. You see, back when we were fighting White Fang, I suggested that when we get back we all have some champagne. But Mister I'm too innocent Winner, nixed that, saying that we were underage."  
  
"Well we were!" said Quatre.  
  
"So... we're not anymore," said Duo. "Hilde, the champagne!"  
  
"All of it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I can't carry five crates by myself!!!" Hilde protested.  
  
"Five... crates????" said Relena. "Um... this is the sort of thing that gets politicians into lots of trouble and I'm not ready to resign yet."  
  
"Don't worry Miss Relena, we're all friends here," said Dorothy.  
  
"Now I'm worried," said Relena.  
  
"Don't worry about it," said Duo. "We have a jamming field on, and no recording devices are going to be able to work through it."  
  
Dorothy and Sally grimaced, *Damn.*  
  
The champagne was lugged in, and the first bottles were poured. Everyone sat around in a circle, and Duo began.  
  
"The rules are quite simple. We go around in a circle, and each person says something they've never done. Like, uh, 'I've never kicked the wall impotently when the computer didn't work'."  
  
"Duo!" screamed Hilde.  
  
"OR like 'I've never eaten a live rat'," Duo amended hastily. "Then, anyone who HAS done that thing, has to drink. NOT the whole glass, unless you want to, but slightly more than a sip. Any questions?"  
  
"Is it too late to leave?" Wufei asked.  
  
"Yes, the doors are locked and we know where you live."  
  
Sally nudged Wufei, "Just relax for once."  
  
"I will go first," Duo declared. "I have thought long and hard for this one."  
  
Everyone waited with bated breath.  
  
"I have never punched a friend in the stomach and had them locked in prison." Duo said.  
  
Trowa and Heero looked at each other. "Still carrying a grudge about that I see," said Heero, as they both reached for their glasses.  
  
Hilde was next. "I've never asked the one I'm in love with to come and kill me."  
  
Relena blushed and sipped delicately as everyone grinned at her.  
  
Next was Trowa's turn.  
  
"I've never had my Gundam blown up by others," he said quietly.  
  
"You LOST it once," pointed out Wufei.  
  
"Doesn't count."  
  
Duo scowled. "Well, MINE wouldn't have been blown up if it hadn't been for a certain SOMEONE in this very room!"  
  
Trowa smiled as the four other Gundam pilots drank their drinks.   
  
Then it was Catherine's turn.  
  
"I've never been inside a Gundam," she said.  
  
The five pilots reached for their drinks. So did Sally, Hilde and Relena.  
  
"WHAT???!!!" screamed Wufei. Duo blushed and so did Relena.  
  
"Don't worry, it wasn't Nataku," Sally said, drinking. "But... I just HAD to have a look and there was Heavyarms just SITTING there."  
  
Trowa raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Hmph," said Wufei. "My turn, let's see. I've never cheated at cards!" he glared at Sally, who didn't move towards her glass. Unlike Duo, Dorothy and Catherine.  
  
Trowa raised BOTH his eyebrows at Catherine, who smiled and looked away. "You don't know EVERYTHING about me little brother," she said.  
  
"It would appear not. Sally?"  
  
Sally composed her thoughts. "Hmmm... I've never tried to kill my friends."  
  
Wufei, Heero, Quatre and Dorothy reached for their drinks. Hilde held up a hand. "Does it count if they weren't your friends at the time but became so later."  
  
"Yes," said Sally.  
  
Duo and Hilde both drank. Duo was beginning to look somewhat flushed.  
  
Next was Heero's turn. "I've never danced round in my underwear, singing."  
  
Duo groaned and reached for his glass. So did Relena.  
  
"Miss Relena?" gasped Dorothy.  
  
"I was six!" said Relena defensively.   
  
"Awww... that must have been so cute," said Quatre.  
  
Relena blushed, then Hilde tapped her shoulder and handed her a photo. "Duo doesn't have your age excuse." she said. Relena looked at the photo and giggled.   
  
"Hey!!!" complained Duo. "No fair! You're all picking on me," he hiccuped. "Well that's just FINE!"  
  
He fished a photo out of his jacket pocket and handed it around to everybody. It was a lovely "early morning" shot of Hilde.  
  
"Ummm... not a morning person I take it?" asked Dorothy.  
  
"DUO!!!!" shouted Hilde.  
  
"Relena, you're up!" shouted Sally, trying to head off the carnage.  
  
Relena tried to think of something noone could ever have done. "I've never used whipped cream for anything other than food."  
  
Hilde and Duo paled. "How did you..." they both stopped and reached for their drinks. So did Trowa and Catherine.  
  
"Trowa??? Catherine???" shrieked Quatre.  
  
"We work in the circus Quatre," reminded Trowa. "I am a clown! Custard, whipped cream, chocolate mousse - I've thrown em all."  
  
"Mmmmm... chocolate mousse," said Sally, who had been sneaking sips at her glass between rounds. Wufei regarded her with a look of horror.  
  
"My turn, my turn," said Dorothy. She shot Trowa a penetrating glance. "I've never slept with Quatre."  
  
Trowa merely stared at her whilst Quatre sputtered and choked. Dorothy looked disappointed, and faintly relieved.  
So, there was hope after all.  
  
Quatre ground his teeth. How could she? This meant war!  
  
"My turn!" he said. "I've NEVER crept NAKED into another person's room to try and seduce them with my feminine wiles!" He shuddered.  
  
Dorothy turned on him, infuriated. "How could you..." she drank from her glass. "And here I thought you were the weak one. It's time to show you the true glory of war!"  
  
Everyone tried real hard not to think about this.  
  
"Back to the beginning," said Duo. "Hmmm... I've never..."  
  
***  
  
Several more rounds passed, as more and more secrets came out.  
  
"I've never had sex in zero g," hiccuped Sally.  
  
Duo and Hilde sighed and reached for their glasses.  
  
"How the hell did you know about that?" demanded Duo.  
  
Hilde sniffed. "Sally, I thought you'd keep that a secret!"  
  
"Ooops, sorry..."  
  
Wufei sighed. "I've never had sex in..." his mind wandered. "A Gundam."  
  
Heero and Relena went bright red and picked up their glasses.  
  
"Oh you're kidding..."  
  
Duo and Hilde looked at each other, "Why didn't we think of that?" Duo asked.  
  
"Prob'ly cos it would be too cramped," said Hilde. "I mean, where would you put..."  
  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" screamed Wufei, Heero and Relena.  
  
***  
  
"I've never sneaked a kiss on the object of my affection," said Catherine.  
  
There was a mass movement towards the glasses as Hilde, Relena, Dorothy, Quatre, and Sally all moved forwards.  
  
"Hmmmm..."  
  
However, this was soon dwarfed by Trowa's next statement.  
  
"I've never been insulted by Wufei," said Trowa.  
  
Everyone but Trowa and Wufei went for their glasses.  
  
"What's THAT supposed to mean!" Wufei demanded.  
  
Sally patted his shoulder. "Don'cha worry Wu-chan," she said. "We all know that'sh how you show affection."  
  
"Yes, we noticed how you sculled your glass Sally," said Relena.   
  
***  
  
"I've never kissed another person of the same sex," said Heero.  
  
Quatre and Trowa exchanged glances, smiles, and glasses to drink. Dorothy sighed. Oh well, it had been worth a shot. Still, there would always be fun with...  
  
"I've never had sex with Heero," she said abruptly. Everyone turned to look at Duo, who raised his hands. "Not guilty." he said. "Look at Relena - look at Relena! For goodness sake stop looking at me... she's practically inhaling the whole bottle. Why won't you believe me? There's nothing between us. Nothing I tell you! See, I'll prove it!" He grabbed Hilde and kissed her.  
  
"Oh..." said Dorothy disappointedly. No scandals here. "Okay Duo, we believe you."  
  
"Duo... you can stop now."  
  
"Duo... don't you have to come up for air or something. Duo? DUO!!!"  
  
***  
  
The evening wore on:  
  
"I've never been turned on by my Gundam - or anyone else's. Why is everyone looking at me disbelievingly?"  
  
***  
  
"I've never had sex in the kitchen."  
  
"Do you guys have cameras in our house or something?"  
  
Mass spitting out of hordeuvres.  
  
***  
  
"I've never used another persons name at school."  
  
"Did you have a problem with that Duo?"  
  
"Not really, I got great grades! I even got an A in philosophy. Never had one of those before."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
***  
  
"I've never had sexual fantasies about Treize."  
  
"Damn you Wufei!"  
  
"Dorothy! Ew!"  
  
***  
  
"I've never tried practising the kama sutra!"  
  
"You guys DO have cameras in our house!"  
  
"Do you two ever STOP???!!!"  
  
"Umm... is that an I've Never statement?"  
  
"ARGH!!!"  
  
***  
  
"I've never had sexual fantasies about Zechs."  
  
"Oh YUCK!!!!"  
  
"Well it's different for you Relena, he's your brother!"  
  
"I can't believe that so many of you... Hilde! Sally! Quatre?????"  
  
***  
  
Around 3 am things began to run down. Catherine had gone to sleep in the corner, occasionally murmuring, "Pika..."  
  
Quatre and Trowa were leaning together drunkenly on the couch. Sally was languidly draped over Wufei who was still sitting bolt upright despite the two empty champagne bottles in front of him. Heero and Relena were still sitting together, both still blushing and avoiding looking at Duo and Hilde, who were playing footsie. Dorothy was sitting beside Catherine, sipping her champagne and watching as Relena tried to think of a safe question that didn't involve sex in strange places or poses, since she'd discovered MORE about Duo and Hilde's sex life than she'd ever wanted to know.  
  
"Ummmm... I've never... been locked outside in my underwear." she said finally.  
  
Sally giggled and reached for one of the four champagne glasses in front of her. Damn things kept moving about!  
  
"You drunken fool," said Wufei.  
  
"Hey, it was deliberate," she said. "I was trying to get away from the jerk on the other side of the door!"  
  
"You... you... you... went out with someone?"  
  
"Hey... not everyone's totally resistant to my charms," said Sally. "Anyway, it was a long time ago."  
  
"Immoral woman!"  
  
"What's your problem... You don't have any right to criticise me or be judgmental - it's not like we're married or anything."  
  
"If we were married things would be different."  
  
"But we're not Wufei, so this is pointless," said Sally irritatedly.  
  
Dorothy gently woke Catherine up to watch as they all drew closer to the argument.  
  
"Listen to me woman!"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Who would want to marry such a stubborn woman as you anyway?"  
  
"Well you don't have to worry about it." shrugged Sally.  
  
"You should pay attention to a man!" snarled Wufei, trying not to move lest he set the room spinning again.  
  
"I keep telling you, we're not married, so I don't have to," said Sally.  
  
"Fine! Will you marry me or not woman!" Wufei shouted. The room held its collective breath.  
  
Pause. "Okay," said Sally, just before passing out.  
  
Wufei looked at her as the last conversation trickled through his skull. He looked up at his audience, who were all grinning at him.  
  
"Congratulations!" said Duo. "I've never proposed to someone in a drunken rage."  
  
"KISAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
***  
  
The End (Heh heh) 


End file.
